Every so often I think about it. It comes back to haunt me. Everything that happened there. I remember how miserable I was, and how badly I wanted to leave. If it weren't for the few real friends I had, I don't know if I would have made it.

But I did. And I carry the scars with me every day.

People I relied on, people I trusted, turned their backs on me when I needed them most.

Most people would have forgotten about it by now. Well I'm not most people.

But I'm not looking for revenge. In fact, I could really care less at this point.

But I'll never forget what happened up there. I can't, even when I want to.

Have a nice life, Fitchburg. And go fuck yourself.

It kind of just hit me how much I've changed in the past couple years.

So I'm gone about a year and everyone just forgets about me. I should've figured. I guess it doesn't matter that I was always nice to them. That I cared about them.

It's not like I ever mattered. I just ended up annoying everyone anyway. But for fucks sake I didn't think I'd just drop off the face of the earth.

Shit happens. People react in different ways for different amounts of time. So I'm sorry I annoyed you by being who I am.

Not that any of it matters anymore. What I have here is much better than what I had up there. If any of you still care at all, please feel free to contact me. I'd be more than happy to hear from you. For the rest of you, go fuck yourselves.

Either way, maybe you've forgotten about me.

But I haven't forgotten about you.

God dammit, this is tempting.

So there's this website, myyearbook.com. It's basically like myspace, except it's designed as if to simulate a high school-like environment. You can give people gold stars and "high fives". You can secretly admire someone, and if they guess you as their secret admirer (out of 12 pictures total) then you make a "match." The more you interact with the site and it's users, the more "lunch money" you earn. Lunch money is currency that you can use to buy gifts for friends and bid on and "own" peoples pictures and profiles. Like any social utility site, it's users have created some unique lingo. For example, rtf means "return the favor." You might use this in a request for gold stars or high fives (If you give me one, I'll rtf).

Sounds like a clever and unique site, right? Well, it is. But myyearbook.com has a major drawback. There are almost NO security measures or countermeasures. Although the site may be geared toward high school students, I assure you most of it's users are NOT of high school age.

I have a myyearbook.com profile. At first I had started it for the same reason I started my myspace and facebook. But now I use it to track and observe certain comments and interactions. It started when I had become friends with a 16-year old girl from out of state. I looked at some of her pictures, only to be disgusted by some of the comments.

First of all, most of the comments were from men AND women who looked like they were in their late 30's AT THE YOUNGEST. Second, ALL the comments ranged from something as simple as "Damn girl, you're looking fine", to things such as "um, if you show me more, um, i'll send you some pics of me ;)."

Ever since I noticed this, I've logged into myyearbook once or twice a week and checked out as much as I could. I've come to the conclusion that the majority of the profiles on the site are one of two types. The first type is what I call a "bot." This is pretty much a fake profile. Someone (and it can be ANYONE) found pictures of an attractive girl somewhere online and put them up in the profile, making it look like it belongs to whoever is in the pictures. The second type of profile is simply one of a user who hunts for young girls and boys on sites like this (you don't see many of them on myspace and facebook due to their high security measures, but they're out there.) I won't go as far as calling them pedophiles, as I don't have enough evidence nor is it my call to make, but you get the idea.

I would not consider myyearbook to be a social networking site in the same sense as myspace or facebook. It's really nothing more than a place for older men and women to prey on (or feel like they're preying on) young, innocent kids.

So why do I care? Because I think it's disgusting and wrong in every way.

But why do I go the extra mile by tracking and observing, and then posting this entry to spread awareness? I'll tell you. Because I have a 4-year old sister. And if anyone were to prey on her, I would kill them without thinking twice. I want the world to be safer for her when she grows up. And although I highly doubt that will happen, it's not gonna stop me from trying.

The internet is a hard thing to safeguard, and predators take advantage of that. But they aren't going to go unnoticed.

It rained all day today. It continued into the night. Normally, I try to get out of the rain as fast as I can. That was not the case tonight. When I got home, I stopped halfway to the door, looked up at the sky, shut my eyes, and let the rain hit me with all it had.

Why?

My parents raised me to believe in god. When I was very young, there were a lot of things I didn't understand, as is the case with any child. And like any devout christian, anything I couldn't explain I accredited to god. Rain was one of these things. Whenever it rained, god was crying because something sad had happened somewhere in the world.

As I got older, I learned the actual cause of water falling from the sky. But the basic concept still stuck. Whenever I had some form of conflict inside me, which was almost always the case, I could physically feel my vulnerability. Thus, whenever it rained, I would try to evade the cold, damp feeling it presented, as this just made everything worse. I wasn't so much afraid of getting wet as I was of the brutal combination of being cold both inside and out.

So why didn't I run from the rain tonight?

We can't erase the past, but we can conquer it. We can't stop the future, but we can acclimate to it. There will always be conflict. But each and every person can choose whether or not to let it control them.

The coldness inside me is gone because I chose to start living my life on my own terms.

I no longer fear the rain.

My life is running perfectly right now.

And I'll do anything to keep it that way.

This isn't funny anymore.

Leave the past in the past.

Let it go and get over it.

If you become a problem, you will be dealt with as such.

Maybe Cape Cod isn't so bad after all.

When the entire world leaves you hanging,

I'll be the one to pull you back up,

And carry you home.

<3